Reflections
by haileynicole
Summary: Felicity reflects. A series of extremly short oneshots.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is all Libba Bray's

I crouch down next to Polly, putting my hand on her small shoulders. _"Now Polly, you must promise me something. Promise me that you will lock your door before you go to bed. Promise?"_ She looks at me curiously. _"Yes, Cousin."_

I'm trembling as I say this. Its all coming back in a rush, a flood of memories long held in. Me. Small and thin, seven years old, eager to please my father in any way possible. A dark shadow at the door, shushing me. Pain. His hand over my mouth as I cry and struggle and fight. Telling me afterwards it is all my fault, only mine, for being such a wicked girl, for making him feel this way. I believe him. I am wicked; a horrid girl for tempting him like that. Its all my fault.

_"And you must lock your door every night. Do not forget now Polly. It is very important."_ I smile as I say this, in what I hope is a reassuring way. _"But why, Cousin?"_ she says _"To keep the monsters out, of course."_ She looks at me worriedly._ " But if I lock the door, Uncle can't sprinkle me with fairy dust."_

My door did not have any locks. It stood open wide, waiting. He would creep in, almost guiltily, his breath smelling of his finest wine. My dear, I've come to sprinkle you with fairy dust he would say. But I knew better. You are so beautiful. Felicity he whispered. It's all your fault. You do this to me, I can not control it.

As I grew older, the nightly visits became less and less frequent. He began to look at me with disgust, a painful remainder of a past weakness. He now longer called me beautiful, no longer worshipped me. I tried and tried to please him, found I never could. That was all I was now, a girl so damaged not even her father wanted her. _" I will sprinkle you with fairy dust, Polly. But you must keep Uncle out."_ This was one girl whose door would be closed, locked to keep monsters out, and innocence in.


	2. Chapter 2

Hair. Never before have I realized how wonderous hair can be. Pippa's shines deeply in the sunlight, pure onyx. She sleeps peacfully laying on a blanket by the lake. I run my hands through it softly, feeling its silkiness. So beautiful I think. So beautiful. I shake my head wildly, driving to keep the thought out of my mind. Wrong my mind whispers, these feelings are wrong. Evil. Abnormal. That's what I am an abnormality, some strange mutant.

Never in all of my strictly supervised experiances with those of the male gender have I felt this way. Never felt any pull towards anyone, any desire.No wonder. We are so tightly guarded that we never truly know them. Men, boys really, they do nothing for me with their flirting except leave me empty. Men never do any thing but destroy, scar. But Pippa... the only one that truly loves me. The only one I love. Our relationship is perfect and pure. No one from the outside can understand, not really. We giggle and laugh, tell stories, share secrets. All the things I can not share with men, the very ones I can be expected to be courted by.

Pippa opens her eyes and smiles and I find myself smiling in return. "What shall we do today, Fee?" Anything, I reply softly.


	3. Chapter 3

I crane my head back slowly to look up at the bright moon as I lay drunkenly behind the boathouse. Ithal lays on top of me, feeling beneath my skirts. I sigh, fighting the felling of emptiness inside me. I keep trying to feel happy, pleasured as i should. But it's no use. The feeling of emptiness prevails seeping into my bones. 

My heart is supposed to flutter and my knees go weak at the thought of a man's ardor. But is not men that fill me with desire. No, it is the long, smooth limbs and the soft skin of women that excite me. Wrong, sinful my brain screams. I smile at Ithal, giggle. He smiles in return and comes up to kiss me gently, whispering softly in my ear. Pippa's face swarms behind my closed lids, laughing, beckoning me forward. I fight against the image, making it disappear.

That's what I'm doing here in these chilly woods, risking expulsion to carouse drunkenly with an ill bred Gypsy. I am trying to forget the feelings, make them disappear. I seek to bind them tightly as I am bound. Half the time it fails and I am still left with an empty ache and a need for love so great I feel as it will never get filled.

So, I lay there silently, my lips pressed harshly together as he whispers love words in my ear, glancing at the half drunken bottle of whiskey on the ground and feeling a stone press sharply into my back. I make myself feel what I am supposed to, what they all say I should. Empty. That's all I am, a shell. Pippa's face dances before me again and I give up fighting. I push Ital off me . "No more Ithal!" I snap. I rise and arrange my skirts delicately, marching into the dark woods, never looking back.


	4. Chapter 4

Pippa and Fee's first kiss. Set sometime during AGATB. 

Pippa and I sat by the lake, our backs resting against the wall of the boathouse, our faces turned to soak up as much of the sunlight as possible. We had stolen away to our old spot to talk. Distantly we heard the excited, happy shouts and laughter of the younger girls playing on the lawn. I couldn't remember being that young.

I turned slowly and looked at the face of my dearest, oldest friend. Before coming to Spence I had been a frightened, lonely child, spooked by the smallest shadow. I had never made friends other than Simon. With him I was strong and powerful, a leader.  
When I arrived at Spence I decided to reinvent myself. Gone was the lingering shyness, the fear of adults. here all the girls were stupider and weaker than me and thus I had made myself their leader.

But in addition to that I had made something much dearer: a friend. It was something I hadn't had before, not truly. No one to giggle with, to tell secrets too. Upon meeting Pippa all that had changed.

So I sat there looking at her. At the perfect ebony ringlets, the soulful sapphire eyes and was overcome by the urgent need to kiss her. I suddenly wanted nothing more in the world than to wrap my arms around her tiny waist, to hold her, to kiss those soft pink lips. And I have never been one to needlessly hold in my desires.

I reached over to turn her face toward mine. She looked at me, giggled. I wrapped my arms around her waist in an embrace that had happened a thousand times before. I kissed her nervously on the lips. She went rigid, put her hands on my shoulders as if to stop me. But then the started to giggle nervously and wrap her arms around my neck. I smiled slightly. This was going better than I had imagined.

We stayed in that position for awhile, our tongues gently exploring each others mouths. I was wondering how much time had passed- a minute, an hour?- when she jerked away panting slightly. "Fee?" she questioned softly. "Yes" I said running one finger softly over her lips. She edged away from me, giving me nervous glances. She began to pick at her petticoat, her fingers plucking nervously at the fabric.

"It's- it's sinful Fee. Wrong. Morally reprehensible." I raised my eyebrows. Pippa never used words like that."No it's not" I said, more confidently than I felt. "It's perfectly natural for two dear friends to have these feelings." She looked at me doubtfully, but with a small flicker of hope in her eyes. "And anyways we can't. What if someone found out?"

"Pippa Cross!", I said imperiously. "Who are you, of all people, to say we can't?" I scooted closer to her, whispered in her ear."We can do anything. Anything at all! You have turned rocks into butterflies. So why can't we do this?", I said with certainty. She smiled at me shyly and I grinned recklessly in return. It was then I turned to look at the sky and saw the red sun sinking rabidly into the horizon. More time had lapsed than I had thought. " Come on Pip, let's go home."


	5. Chapter 5

There was a new girl coming to Spence. We had learned about it just last week when Mrs. Nightwing had held a meeting to tell of her impending arrival. She had droned on and on about how the girl was coming here fresh from India and grief. She repeatedly told us of how we were to help her in her bereavement, behaving with the Spence ideals of grace, charm, and beauty. 

That night I laid awake long after lights out wondering about this faceless girl. Gemma. I tried out the name on my tongue stretching out the sound. I wondered not about what Mrs. Nightwing had said, that she was of good family, well bred, but about the things left unsaid. The color of her hair, her height, her personality.

As the week wore on I quietly seethed as I imagined this girl as everything I was not: beautiful, distinguished, graceful. She took shape and form in my mind and thus became my worst enemy before our first meeting.

So it was the night, finally, that Miss Gemma Doyle was to arrive. Rain lashed at the windows violently but the girls of Spence were safely caged within. We all waited anxiously, speaking in hushed tones, all wondering about this foreign thing about to be thrust into our midst.

My mind was not on the conversation but on the girl. I would not allow myself to be replaced. I had fought tooth and nail for my present position as reining queen of Spence. I told myself I was worthy of this position, battling against the small insistent voice in my mind that taunted me, saying I was inadequate.

My thoughts were broken when the doors of the parlor were flung open. Mrs. Nightwing strode confidently into the room, a black-cloaked figure following closely behind. Every girl in the room craned their necks to catch a glance of our new classmate.

"Girls, I'd like you to meet the newest student of Spence Academy. This is Gemma Doyle. Miss Doyle is joining us from Shropshire and will be in first class. She has spent most of her life in India, and I'm sure she would be happy to tell you stories of their many quaint customs and habits. I trust you'll show her a proper Spence welcome and acquaint her with the way things are done here at Spence."

I turn to size her up. She is not at all what I expected, I think. Her red hair is is a little darker than the color of flames. Freckles dot her face. She has wide shoulders, strong shoulders. I smile a little bit to myself. No, this girl will not take my place, I am sure of it. I yawn loudly and turn back to my friends, confidant.

Thank you for reading this story. Please review.


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